The dreaded...

...yearly time change..
  I hate it.
It screws with me everytime..
If I were a single person with no kids.. No job.. no life I would probably appreciate it more..
But i dont.. and Im not.. I hate you Daylight savings..

Hey friends..

This blog is going to be turned into a family year book.. Im going to get away from the personal journaling and get back to the family updates... I started another blog, just for me.. you can find it @ http://www.dyingforsomething.blogspot.com/

My new blog is going to not be about my family but about my thoughts and feelings of the days to come.. Im going to be writing about my OCTD and my thoughts and fears about being a living breathing person..

follow me over there too. because its going to be full of  intimate details of my life and the things to come.

BB AK

Just wanted to share some pictures of my super adorable nephews!!

Fall fun

It has been an amazing fall!! We have done so much together as a family, Pumpkin carving. Corn Belly Festival, Trunk or treating.. Face painting.. all kinds of fun things.. Here are some pictures!!

 Our trick or treating posse!!

 Austin K thrasher Lundt!! Skeleton baby!

 Riot J Zombie General Extraordinaire!!

 Cousins!!

 A lady and her great horned owl!

 Eliza and the princess!!

 Learning the princess ropes!

 SOOO STARVING!!!

 funny faces!!

 face painting!

 Wolf!

 Super freaky!

 I carved this one!!

 Xander and lizas!

 Riot J!

living in the now..

imI'm laying in bed...blogging on my phone..

Right next to me is baby austin.. his mom has been in california for a few days visiting Riot j she is such a good mom to her boys and they are so lucky to have her.. she loves so completly. With such reckless abandon. With so much emotion its overwhelming.
I'm so lucky to get this time with Austin K I had such depression with xander that I have never really gotten to bond with him as a baby.. I've had austin pretty much since he was 9 weeks old.. loving him. Bonding with him. I really want us to have a special relationship. So if his life is hard he knows his auntie trina will always be there along with his mom to pick up the pieces.. I love him like he is my own baby..

Amazing

  Its exactly 6:00 P.M. On October 13, 2010
69 days ago 33 Miners were trapped in a Coal Mine collapse in Chile. as of right now 30/33 have been pulled from the earth.
  I'm soo grateful for this. The reason why you ask??
  My husband is a Coal Miner.. MY heart is so full right now.. I have thought about these brave men everyday, So grateful that they are alive.. So grateful that they found a way out..
  My husband goes 4 miles into the earth 4 days a week for 12 hrs a day.. They are pulling millions of tons out of the ground every year.. They move the earth, they dig at the earth, they push and pull at the earth.. The chances of the earth coming down on them is so profound its unspeakable.. I fear everyday All day at the idea of a Collapse..
   The relief that comes with this amazing effort from the whole world... I am filled with such peace, knowing that the Whole world has been praying for these miners.. that the Wives, children and families have been grasping onto those prayers, in hope that they willl be answered.. Today they were..
       Joy
         The Joy written on the face of the Miners as they come above ground, the joy of the children. Joyful Embraces..
       I pray that nothing like this could ever happen to Jason.. and if it does.. I hope the efforts to rescue him will be the same.. @ 7:15 pm, ill get a call from my husband while hes driving home from work.. and I promise that that conversation will be filled with so much Love and relief.. and maybe a few tears..
   Today, my whole life changed.. I will Respect my husbands hard work UNDERGROUND and I will BE gratefull everyday...

ugh!

Here it is, 10:16
Sitting here all alone in the kitchen.. Listening to the baby swing rock sweet Austin to sleep.. Roxy the big fat lab snoring at my feet.. QVC is on the tv in the front room and They are Raving about Some sort of Corduroy Disaster.. feeling Awkward and horribly dissapointed.. My life has some how turned from bliss to blisters tonight.. Wishing i was out with my friends.. Doing crazy things.. Drinking way to much Vodka and Laughing until I cry.. Plans fall through and I feel sad.. I realize drinking and laughing on a Monday night isnt exactly the thing i should be doing but I dont really care right now.. I just want to be out of this house.. flirting with a hangover..
  Xander stayed home from school today because he was sick with a sore throat... Eliza complained that she was in a "Bad Mood" all day and that she "always is" I swear that girl is going to be the death of my beautifully bleached hair.. One of these days im going to wake up to prematurly graying hair..
  I watched romeo and Juliet today.. And I just think about what it would be like to hear Leo Dicaprio reciting Shakespeare to me.. "Sin from my lips? O trespass sweetly urged! Give me my sin again"
   The Randomness of this blog is giving me Mono, So I guess ill say Adieu..
  Goodnight..

Losing my mind....

"I've cried until there were no more tears.. I sobbed until my lungs ached in fury... I yelled and screamed until my voice went hoarse. I wished on a star and I sent up a prayer into heaven.. please lord help me get under control before I lose everything"
     That was my facebook post from late last night.. I didnt even realize I wrote it until this morning.. My life has been well lets just say.."Less than perfect"  My parents, my children, my loneliness, my craziness have started to really wear on me... until last night I totally lost my mind..
     everything that is written above is the most accurate account of my feelings and actions last night.. I literally LOST myself in a tornado sized freak out.. I yelled at my mom, I screamed into my pillow and I cried and cried on the phone to Jason. Just praying for some sort of relief.. and you know, after all of that.. Relief came in the form of  a deep  Disturb free sleep.. My husband said all the right things. He knows exactly what I need when I get like this. Im so lucky..
     I am over my heartache now, A better person.  With every Freak out comes a new insight. Insight into the life I have, the perfect imperfection.. I dont want my life to be perfect... I need to cry so hard that my head throbs for hours.. I need to yell so loud that I lose my voice and I need to sob so hard that the very breath that allows me life escapes me for a few seconds.. I need to feel that, so when I get to the point where my imperfect perfect life gives me some perspective, tells me, Its okay to be imperfect.. As long as you love with reckless abandon and feel with every ounce of yourself.. 

And Last night was conformation.. 

My words exactly..

NOT!!!!

 So, WE have been living in my parents basement for almost a year now. And every day it is getting more and more frustrating.. Im constantly bieng told that my parenting skills are less than satisfactory. Especially when it comes to one kid in particular. Xander, I am never right. I am always doing something wrong. Including but not limited too, School, Discipline. I was told "I think your wrong" and then hung up on. Its starting to wear on me, I feel my skin getting thinner as the days get closer and closer to a year mark. I dont know if we will ever be able to move out..
  I cannot wait for the day, when IM the boss of my own kids.. In my own household.. Hopefully soon. WE have almost paid off some debt and then we are on our own! *crosses fingers*
   I hate to say it, but moving back to Utah was our biggest mistake.. We had such a good life there. Money was often tight, but Jason was home EVERYDAY. I had friends that absolutly loved me. I was so priveladged to get to know them.. I miss them..
   I have made one really good friend next door and Its made everyday life a lot easier. But still.. Im ready to get back to My OWN life.. and MY OWN Rules!!

Feel Like Ive been doing a little of This LAtely..

"I've made up my mind, don't need to think it over
If I'm wrong I am right, don't need to look no further
This ain't lust, I know this is love

But if I tell the world, I'll never say enough
'Cause it was not said to you
And that's exactly what I need to do if I'd end up with you

Should I give up or should I just keep chasing pavements
Even if it leads nowhere?
Or would it be a waste even if I knew my place
Should I leave it there?
Should I give up or should I just keep chasing pavements
Even if it leads nowhere?

I build myself up and fly around in circles
Wait then as my heart drops and my back begins to tingle
Finally could this be it?

Should I give up or should I just keep chasing pavements
Even if it leads nowhere?
Or would it be a waste even if I knew my place
Should I leave it there?
Should I give up or should I just keep chasing pavements
Even if it leads nowhere?

Should I give up or should I just keep chasing pavements
Even if it leads nowhere?
Or would it be a waste even if I knew my place
Should I leave it there?
Should I give up or should I just keep on chasing pavements
Should I just keep on chasing pavements?

Should I give up or should I just keep chasing pavements
Even if it leads nowhere?
Or would it be a waste even if I knew my place
Should I leave it there?
Should I give up or should I just keep chasing pavements
Even if it leads nowhere"
           Thanks Adele..

Mistakes

Making Mistakes is the one thing im a Master at..
Knowing I have crossed the line of wrong doing, Usually fully aware but with the atitude that It doesnt matter..
Usually When I make a mistake, I make up for it, by apologizing fixing it or whatever..

But what do you do when your not the one making a mistake... What do you do when you are witnessing it and sitting back and not doing anything. Does that make you just as guilty?
What if its a mistake that will change the course of someones life? If you see a friend making a choice that will effect a marriage, or a child.. Knowing that its wrong..

What do you do? Im so lost and confused by what I know that i feel like I should say something.. Its shaking me to my core.. Its rattling my emotion and its making me crazy..
DO I keep my mouth shut? Or do I speak my mind??

I hate you..

Water...
Running...
Weight...
food... (okay, I hate that I love food)
Cafe Rio...
Taco Bell...
Sconecutter...
Brownies...
The list could go on forever..
So Im going to start loving..
Broccoli...
Bean-o (just in case)...
Running shoes..
Treadmills..
5ks...
Water Bottles...
and most of all
Skinniness!! Whoot.
Heres to not eating Lemoncello Sorbet 6 times a week..
and not having anything after 7 pm..
Except maybe the occasional late night dinner with friends or V-C lovely ness.. (hey a girl can only cut out so much without going crazy!)
Maybe by this time next year i will be one skinny girl!!

Shoes Shoes Shoes

(This one's for you Logan..) :)
It's a very well known fact that I like shoes.. Of all Kinds, Tall Shoes, Short shoes, flip flips, Boots, Ballerina Flats, Wedges, Spikes, Pumps, Tennis Shoes, Running shoes.. I could list them all day.. ;) I can pretty much to anything in a heal and Even more in my black Roxy flip flops.. I ran around New York in a pair of Pink and Blue Plaid Galoshes.. So I ran across this blog of a friends back in Montrose and she had this on it..



I just had to smile.. Because its soooooo true.. I think I might go change my life today.. Buy myself a new pair of Ballerina Flats and call it a day.. Its still REALLY REALLY early in the morning, So I might Go take a nap before..
Love to all that Loves me back..
Kat. ;D

RIP Jason Ryan Erickson

Jason Erickson
Sept-Feb..

Its that time a year people!!
Im officially a Widow.. As If Not seeing him 4 days a week wasnt bad enough, Now all day Sunday is no longer set aside for family.. Its set aside for... Wait for it...
You guessed it





Football....

Time Travel..

If there is one time period I would time travel to it would have to be the 16th Century.. The one person I would pall around with would be william shakespeare.. Absolutely the most Amazing, Romantic, Enlightened man I think has ever existed in time.
His words have transcended time, they have crossed boundaries of race, Love and Religion.. Who doesnt know "Romeo, Romeo. Wherefore art thou Romeo?" Or "To be, or not to be that is the question" How many times have we heard "parting is such sweet sorrow" or "Double, double toil and trouble Fire burn, and cauldron bubble."
He seems so amazing.. I kinda wish that I could speak to him.. Maybe one day Ill go to the wall of Juliet in Verona.. Write her a letter. Im not sure what I would write, what I would say..
Its amazing to me that Romeo and Juliet are just a story.. a play, burned into the hearts of everyone who has heard the words spoken by Leo Dicaprio. "A thousand times the worse, to want thy light. Love goes toward love as schoolboys from their books,
But love from love, toward school with heavy looks."
To think that the love story isnt true.. that the Love story is just that.. a Story.
Well anyway.. I wish I could have a fairy god mother.. bippidy Boppidy Booping me into the past.. For just one day, in the presence of William Shakespeare..

this is absolutely my favorite quote of all time Its from Hamlet, Act 2 Scene 2..

"Doubt thou the stars are fire,
Doubt that the sun doth move,
Doubt truth to be a liar,
But never doubt I love."

Amazing..

More Word Vomit..

Ive been feeling a little bit guilty lately... Well, about everything. I have a feeling something big is happening in my life, but I cant quit put my finger on it. You know that feeling of impending doom?! Maybe not Doom, But impending somethiing?? I sure do, its been a constant feeling of impendingness. (Im suprised spell check let that word through lol)
I have had my sisters boys for a while now, My little brother took Riot J home late last week, but Austin K is still here. He has been spending some time with his Auntie Bina! I feel guilty because I know how bad she misses them, But her life has been throwing her some curve balls and I know its a relief and a heartache, having them up here. Austin will be three months old on thursday. He is so adorable.. It makes me want to get pregnant and have a baby like right now..
Another guilt I have, I miss my girlfriends in Colorado so bad.. but i havent called them or emailed them since June. Just because it breaks my heart hearing about all the fun things they are doing.. and im here, with NO friends.. the family thats here (not my immediate family) but the other family kinda have their own lives, and Im not comfortable infiltraiting into their lives..
another one.. I am drinking, NOt alot but enough to make me feel bad.. I really like it.. but it goes without saying, Liking it doesnt make it right.. I come home at 2 or 3 in the morning and sleep it off until my kids get up.. Ive had this feeling that Im letting them down..
There is so much more to this, but if i keep going you will be reading for hours.. I just Wish the choice to move back to Colorado was still an option.. I miss it, I miss the girls.. I miss all of their kids.. I miss all of their laughs and all of the excitment their lives bring mine.. I guess I just miss having friends..
-Kat

9/11 Always remember..

Yesterday was Sept 11.. 9/11 Who would have known that a couple of numbers would change the course of America.. change the ideas and Lives of AMERICANS. Do you remember where you were? I was in K.T. Frosts Biology class @ Jordan High school My Junior Year. It was first period, and We saw it on Channel 1.. I remember the Principal coming over the intercom telling the teachers to go about our day as if it were any other day. I remember thinking "what is going on" not knowing until later that day that it was terrorists. I remember the fear, the anger, the sadness, and all of the other feelings that I felt all at the same time.. I remember seeing the images on TV of the man with the brief case, covered in ash. The Fire fighter sitting on the park bench praying his wife got out of the WTC before it fell, knowing she was on the 81rst floor when it was hit.

There have been a few events over the course of America that will be permanently engraved in the hearts and minds of Americans forever.. This definitely will be the one I remember the most.



Jason and I went to New York in March of this year and we went down to ground zero, the freedom tower was just starting to rise into the sky and there were gates and fences cover Ground Zero because of the rain. WE say pictures of the Sky line Before and After.. It was so sad. We also went across the street and went to the Ground Zero Memorial Building and this Statue of Liberty was there. It is covered with pictures and names of the Men and Women who Lost their lives in the towers. Fire Fighters, Police men, Office workers and so on. It was humbling. We are going to make that trip every year. and we will ALWAYS go pay our respects to the hallowed grounds from that day..

UNITED WE STAND...DIVIDED WE FALL..
Im Proud to be an American!!

OUCH!!

Had to get an emergency tooth Extraction on saturday.. And now Im in soo much pain I cannot sleep, or eat! and I kind of resemble a lopsided Chipmunk!! grrr!

Big Mouth

I seriously need a duct tape filter.. I offend way to many people with what comes out of my head (or fingers on facebook in some cases)

smiley!

If that doesnt make you smile.. You have a black heart! ;)