Saturday, February 27, 2010
Tuesday, February 23, 2010
Marilyn Monroe
"I'm selfish, impatient and a little insecure. I make mistakes, I am out of control and at times hard to handle. But if you can't handle me at my worst, then you sure as hell don't deserve me at my best."
Pretty Sure she hit me right on the head.. I realize as I get older the Harder it is for me to hide my "Crazy" side.. I've been trying my whole life to be this person that I am not.. Trying to hide the "real" me and not let people know that I am a crazy, Irrational, Cry baby of a girl.
I have an Irrational fear of death.. I know its irrational, thats what makes it so damn hard to deal with. I wish I could say "Kat.. You are retarded get yourself together" But at the end of the conversation with myself I realize that's why I am so retarded, because I cant pull myself up by my boot straps and carry on my merry little way.
So here is my fear, This is what I think about all the time, why I cannot handle any sort of change in plans and why I go a little nutty from time to time.. I am constantly thinking about death, Not like "Oh todays a good day to die" Its not like that at all. I obsess over it, I think OMG if I put my kids in this car and I drive down the road and hit the medium we are all going to die. Jason going to work makes me crazy... Its been alot easier, since Im in utah because I dont have to see him leave, Let him walk out that door, get into his car, drive the 70 minutes it takes for him to get there, Get dressed out and go 6 miles under ground. The action of him working doesnt scare me.. Its the Leaving that does. Its so weird BElieve me I know more than anyone how weird and crazy I sound right now. It keeps me up at night, every little peep, every creek of the hard wood floors or the settling of the house.. The Furnace coming on and off, the bed squeaks, It all keeps me awake.. I think "Oh crap, here it is. We are all going to die" and believe me, I know how ridiculous I sound.
"They" have diagnosed me with Obsessive Compulsive Thinking disorder. OCTD, So heres the run down, Most OCD People Obsess over something, Compulse (fix it) and then move on.. "Oh crap, The kitchen is dirty. There are germs every where. I know, Ill get the bleach and miticulously scrub every spot until they are gone" .. Thats what makes me so tricky. I Obsess over death, Men think of sex every how many seconds, I think of death. Since its about something so dark I cannot really compulse. I cant think, Oh man I could kill myself, and then actually do it. Death/Murder/ Suicide is looked down on in our day and age. So what does that leave me to do You ask? It leaves me to not sleep for days/weeks.. It leaves me Scared All the time.. It leaves my heart broken with grief over the things that "Might" happen. It leaves me to fear EVERYDAY for my Children. Im the first person in this world to tell you, Im not suicidal, I have a thought and then its pushed out of my brain by my beautiful kids. My family, My Husband,
My husband.. Who has a hard time handeling it.. He has his own Demons to struggle with, and he carries Mine on his back as well. I complain so much about him, but Like Marilyn said "If you cant handle me at my worst, you sure as hell dont deserve me at my best" He is an amazingly strong man, who sits down and holds me when my fears get the best of me, He lets my tears stain his t-shirt when life gets a little to hard to handle. He works so hard for us, He loves us. I'm so lucky.. I did a pretty good job hiding my demons when we were dating, We got married and he was hit with a ton of bricks.. I had a really crazy, out of control kind of a day and he had to come home from work.. He was so scared, HE was so helpless and I was out of control.
I have this idea I have been holding onto my whole life. this "perfect life" and as I get older i realize I am never going to have this cookie cutter life. There are some days dinner isnt ready, I dont get out of my pj's until 5 minutes before he gets home, there are going to be days that i am so numb with pain and fear I cannot even function, I get up, feed the kids and hit the couch. He gets that, and he is still here.
so, Like I said before, Marilyn hit me on the head. And Jason is the perfect man for the job..
Happy Birthday Jason.. I am SO Lucky!
Pretty Sure she hit me right on the head.. I realize as I get older the Harder it is for me to hide my "Crazy" side.. I've been trying my whole life to be this person that I am not.. Trying to hide the "real" me and not let people know that I am a crazy, Irrational, Cry baby of a girl.
I have an Irrational fear of death.. I know its irrational, thats what makes it so damn hard to deal with. I wish I could say "Kat.. You are retarded get yourself together" But at the end of the conversation with myself I realize that's why I am so retarded, because I cant pull myself up by my boot straps and carry on my merry little way.
So here is my fear, This is what I think about all the time, why I cannot handle any sort of change in plans and why I go a little nutty from time to time.. I am constantly thinking about death, Not like "Oh todays a good day to die" Its not like that at all. I obsess over it, I think OMG if I put my kids in this car and I drive down the road and hit the medium we are all going to die. Jason going to work makes me crazy... Its been alot easier, since Im in utah because I dont have to see him leave, Let him walk out that door, get into his car, drive the 70 minutes it takes for him to get there, Get dressed out and go 6 miles under ground. The action of him working doesnt scare me.. Its the Leaving that does. Its so weird BElieve me I know more than anyone how weird and crazy I sound right now. It keeps me up at night, every little peep, every creek of the hard wood floors or the settling of the house.. The Furnace coming on and off, the bed squeaks, It all keeps me awake.. I think "Oh crap, here it is. We are all going to die" and believe me, I know how ridiculous I sound.
"They" have diagnosed me with Obsessive Compulsive Thinking disorder. OCTD, So heres the run down, Most OCD People Obsess over something, Compulse (fix it) and then move on.. "Oh crap, The kitchen is dirty. There are germs every where. I know, Ill get the bleach and miticulously scrub every spot until they are gone" .. Thats what makes me so tricky. I Obsess over death, Men think of sex every how many seconds, I think of death. Since its about something so dark I cannot really compulse. I cant think, Oh man I could kill myself, and then actually do it. Death/Murder/ Suicide is looked down on in our day and age. So what does that leave me to do You ask? It leaves me to not sleep for days/weeks.. It leaves me Scared All the time.. It leaves my heart broken with grief over the things that "Might" happen. It leaves me to fear EVERYDAY for my Children. Im the first person in this world to tell you, Im not suicidal, I have a thought and then its pushed out of my brain by my beautiful kids. My family, My Husband,
My husband.. Who has a hard time handeling it.. He has his own Demons to struggle with, and he carries Mine on his back as well. I complain so much about him, but Like Marilyn said "If you cant handle me at my worst, you sure as hell dont deserve me at my best" He is an amazingly strong man, who sits down and holds me when my fears get the best of me, He lets my tears stain his t-shirt when life gets a little to hard to handle. He works so hard for us, He loves us. I'm so lucky.. I did a pretty good job hiding my demons when we were dating, We got married and he was hit with a ton of bricks.. I had a really crazy, out of control kind of a day and he had to come home from work.. He was so scared, HE was so helpless and I was out of control.
I have this idea I have been holding onto my whole life. this "perfect life" and as I get older i realize I am never going to have this cookie cutter life. There are some days dinner isnt ready, I dont get out of my pj's until 5 minutes before he gets home, there are going to be days that i am so numb with pain and fear I cannot even function, I get up, feed the kids and hit the couch. He gets that, and he is still here.
so, Like I said before, Marilyn hit me on the head. And Jason is the perfect man for the job..
Happy Birthday Jason.. I am SO Lucky!
Wednesday, February 17, 2010
The Many Face Of Eliza
I finally got The ambition to upload all the pictures from my memory card onto my computer.. 522 Pictures later here are some of the Gems I found..
Tuesday, February 2, 2010
I Need You Now
I Need You Now
Picture perfect memories,
Scattered all around the floor.
Reaching for the phone cause, I can’t fight it any more.
And I wonder if I ever cross your mind.
For me it happens all the time.
It’s a quarter after one, I’m all alone and I need you now.
Said I wouldn’t call but I lost all control and I need you now.
And I don’t know how I can do without, I just need you now.
Another shot of whiskey, can’t stop looking at the door.
Wishing you’d come sweeping in the way you did before.
And I wonder if I ever cross your mind.
For me it happens all the time.
It’s a quarter after one, I’m a little drunk,
And I need you now.
Said I wouldn’t call but I lost all control and I need you now.
And I don’t know how I can do without, I just need you now.
Yes I’d rather hurt than feel nothing at all.
It’s a quarter after one, I’m all alone and I need you now.
And I said I wouldn’t call but I’m a little drunk and I need you now.
And I don’t know how I can do without, I just need you now.
I just need you now.
Oh baby I need you now
-Lady Antebellum
Yep that pretty much sums up my mood for the day..
:D Kat
Picture perfect memories,
Scattered all around the floor.
Reaching for the phone cause, I can’t fight it any more.
And I wonder if I ever cross your mind.
For me it happens all the time.
It’s a quarter after one, I’m all alone and I need you now.
Said I wouldn’t call but I lost all control and I need you now.
And I don’t know how I can do without, I just need you now.
Another shot of whiskey, can’t stop looking at the door.
Wishing you’d come sweeping in the way you did before.
And I wonder if I ever cross your mind.
For me it happens all the time.
It’s a quarter after one, I’m a little drunk,
And I need you now.
Said I wouldn’t call but I lost all control and I need you now.
And I don’t know how I can do without, I just need you now.
Yes I’d rather hurt than feel nothing at all.
It’s a quarter after one, I’m all alone and I need you now.
And I said I wouldn’t call but I’m a little drunk and I need you now.
And I don’t know how I can do without, I just need you now.
I just need you now.
Oh baby I need you now
-Lady Antebellum
Yep that pretty much sums up my mood for the day..
:D Kat
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