The dreaded...

...yearly time change..
  I hate it.
It screws with me everytime..
If I were a single person with no kids.. No job.. no life I would probably appreciate it more..
But i dont.. and Im not.. I hate you Daylight savings..

Hey friends..

This blog is going to be turned into a family year book.. Im going to get away from the personal journaling and get back to the family updates... I started another blog, just for me.. you can find it @ http://www.dyingforsomething.blogspot.com/

My new blog is going to not be about my family but about my thoughts and feelings of the days to come.. Im going to be writing about my OCTD and my thoughts and fears about being a living breathing person..

follow me over there too. because its going to be full of  intimate details of my life and the things to come.

BB AK

Just wanted to share some pictures of my super adorable nephews!!

Fall fun

It has been an amazing fall!! We have done so much together as a family, Pumpkin carving. Corn Belly Festival, Trunk or treating.. Face painting.. all kinds of fun things.. Here are some pictures!!

 Our trick or treating posse!!

 Austin K thrasher Lundt!! Skeleton baby!

 Riot J Zombie General Extraordinaire!!

 Cousins!!

 A lady and her great horned owl!

 Eliza and the princess!!

 Learning the princess ropes!

 SOOO STARVING!!!

 funny faces!!

 face painting!

 Wolf!

 Super freaky!

 I carved this one!!

 Xander and lizas!

 Riot J!

living in the now..

imI'm laying in bed...blogging on my phone..

Right next to me is baby austin.. his mom has been in california for a few days visiting Riot j she is such a good mom to her boys and they are so lucky to have her.. she loves so completly. With such reckless abandon. With so much emotion its overwhelming.
I'm so lucky to get this time with Austin K I had such depression with xander that I have never really gotten to bond with him as a baby.. I've had austin pretty much since he was 9 weeks old.. loving him. Bonding with him. I really want us to have a special relationship. So if his life is hard he knows his auntie trina will always be there along with his mom to pick up the pieces.. I love him like he is my own baby..

Amazing

  Its exactly 6:00 P.M. On October 13, 2010
69 days ago 33 Miners were trapped in a Coal Mine collapse in Chile. as of right now 30/33 have been pulled from the earth.
  I'm soo grateful for this. The reason why you ask??
  My husband is a Coal Miner.. MY heart is so full right now.. I have thought about these brave men everyday, So grateful that they are alive.. So grateful that they found a way out..
  My husband goes 4 miles into the earth 4 days a week for 12 hrs a day.. They are pulling millions of tons out of the ground every year.. They move the earth, they dig at the earth, they push and pull at the earth.. The chances of the earth coming down on them is so profound its unspeakable.. I fear everyday All day at the idea of a Collapse..
   The relief that comes with this amazing effort from the whole world... I am filled with such peace, knowing that the Whole world has been praying for these miners.. that the Wives, children and families have been grasping onto those prayers, in hope that they willl be answered.. Today they were..
       Joy
         The Joy written on the face of the Miners as they come above ground, the joy of the children. Joyful Embraces..
       I pray that nothing like this could ever happen to Jason.. and if it does.. I hope the efforts to rescue him will be the same.. @ 7:15 pm, ill get a call from my husband while hes driving home from work.. and I promise that that conversation will be filled with so much Love and relief.. and maybe a few tears..
   Today, my whole life changed.. I will Respect my husbands hard work UNDERGROUND and I will BE gratefull everyday...

ugh!

Here it is, 10:16
Sitting here all alone in the kitchen.. Listening to the baby swing rock sweet Austin to sleep.. Roxy the big fat lab snoring at my feet.. QVC is on the tv in the front room and They are Raving about Some sort of Corduroy Disaster.. feeling Awkward and horribly dissapointed.. My life has some how turned from bliss to blisters tonight.. Wishing i was out with my friends.. Doing crazy things.. Drinking way to much Vodka and Laughing until I cry.. Plans fall through and I feel sad.. I realize drinking and laughing on a Monday night isnt exactly the thing i should be doing but I dont really care right now.. I just want to be out of this house.. flirting with a hangover..
  Xander stayed home from school today because he was sick with a sore throat... Eliza complained that she was in a "Bad Mood" all day and that she "always is" I swear that girl is going to be the death of my beautifully bleached hair.. One of these days im going to wake up to prematurly graying hair..
  I watched romeo and Juliet today.. And I just think about what it would be like to hear Leo Dicaprio reciting Shakespeare to me.. "Sin from my lips? O trespass sweetly urged! Give me my sin again"
   The Randomness of this blog is giving me Mono, So I guess ill say Adieu..
  Goodnight..

Losing my mind....

"I've cried until there were no more tears.. I sobbed until my lungs ached in fury... I yelled and screamed until my voice went hoarse. I wished on a star and I sent up a prayer into heaven.. please lord help me get under control before I lose everything"
     That was my facebook post from late last night.. I didnt even realize I wrote it until this morning.. My life has been well lets just say.."Less than perfect"  My parents, my children, my loneliness, my craziness have started to really wear on me... until last night I totally lost my mind..
     everything that is written above is the most accurate account of my feelings and actions last night.. I literally LOST myself in a tornado sized freak out.. I yelled at my mom, I screamed into my pillow and I cried and cried on the phone to Jason. Just praying for some sort of relief.. and you know, after all of that.. Relief came in the form of  a deep  Disturb free sleep.. My husband said all the right things. He knows exactly what I need when I get like this. Im so lucky..
     I am over my heartache now, A better person.  With every Freak out comes a new insight. Insight into the life I have, the perfect imperfection.. I dont want my life to be perfect... I need to cry so hard that my head throbs for hours.. I need to yell so loud that I lose my voice and I need to sob so hard that the very breath that allows me life escapes me for a few seconds.. I need to feel that, so when I get to the point where my imperfect perfect life gives me some perspective, tells me, Its okay to be imperfect.. As long as you love with reckless abandon and feel with every ounce of yourself.. 

And Last night was conformation.. 

My words exactly..

NOT!!!!

 So, WE have been living in my parents basement for almost a year now. And every day it is getting more and more frustrating.. Im constantly bieng told that my parenting skills are less than satisfactory. Especially when it comes to one kid in particular. Xander, I am never right. I am always doing something wrong. Including but not limited too, School, Discipline. I was told "I think your wrong" and then hung up on. Its starting to wear on me, I feel my skin getting thinner as the days get closer and closer to a year mark. I dont know if we will ever be able to move out..
  I cannot wait for the day, when IM the boss of my own kids.. In my own household.. Hopefully soon. WE have almost paid off some debt and then we are on our own! *crosses fingers*
   I hate to say it, but moving back to Utah was our biggest mistake.. We had such a good life there. Money was often tight, but Jason was home EVERYDAY. I had friends that absolutly loved me. I was so priveladged to get to know them.. I miss them..
   I have made one really good friend next door and Its made everyday life a lot easier. But still.. Im ready to get back to My OWN life.. and MY OWN Rules!!

Feel Like Ive been doing a little of This LAtely..

"I've made up my mind, don't need to think it over
If I'm wrong I am right, don't need to look no further
This ain't lust, I know this is love

But if I tell the world, I'll never say enough
'Cause it was not said to you
And that's exactly what I need to do if I'd end up with you

Should I give up or should I just keep chasing pavements
Even if it leads nowhere?
Or would it be a waste even if I knew my place
Should I leave it there?
Should I give up or should I just keep chasing pavements
Even if it leads nowhere?

I build myself up and fly around in circles
Wait then as my heart drops and my back begins to tingle
Finally could this be it?

Should I give up or should I just keep chasing pavements
Even if it leads nowhere?
Or would it be a waste even if I knew my place
Should I leave it there?
Should I give up or should I just keep chasing pavements
Even if it leads nowhere?

Should I give up or should I just keep chasing pavements
Even if it leads nowhere?
Or would it be a waste even if I knew my place
Should I leave it there?
Should I give up or should I just keep on chasing pavements
Should I just keep on chasing pavements?

Should I give up or should I just keep chasing pavements
Even if it leads nowhere?
Or would it be a waste even if I knew my place
Should I leave it there?
Should I give up or should I just keep chasing pavements
Even if it leads nowhere"
           Thanks Adele..

Mistakes

Making Mistakes is the one thing im a Master at..
Knowing I have crossed the line of wrong doing, Usually fully aware but with the atitude that It doesnt matter..
Usually When I make a mistake, I make up for it, by apologizing fixing it or whatever..

But what do you do when your not the one making a mistake... What do you do when you are witnessing it and sitting back and not doing anything. Does that make you just as guilty?
What if its a mistake that will change the course of someones life? If you see a friend making a choice that will effect a marriage, or a child.. Knowing that its wrong..

What do you do? Im so lost and confused by what I know that i feel like I should say something.. Its shaking me to my core.. Its rattling my emotion and its making me crazy..
DO I keep my mouth shut? Or do I speak my mind??

I hate you..

Water...
Running...
Weight...
food... (okay, I hate that I love food)
Cafe Rio...
Taco Bell...
Sconecutter...
Brownies...
The list could go on forever..
So Im going to start loving..
Broccoli...
Bean-o (just in case)...
Running shoes..
Treadmills..
5ks...
Water Bottles...
and most of all
Skinniness!! Whoot.
Heres to not eating Lemoncello Sorbet 6 times a week..
and not having anything after 7 pm..
Except maybe the occasional late night dinner with friends or V-C lovely ness.. (hey a girl can only cut out so much without going crazy!)
Maybe by this time next year i will be one skinny girl!!

Shoes Shoes Shoes

(This one's for you Logan..) :)
It's a very well known fact that I like shoes.. Of all Kinds, Tall Shoes, Short shoes, flip flips, Boots, Ballerina Flats, Wedges, Spikes, Pumps, Tennis Shoes, Running shoes.. I could list them all day.. ;) I can pretty much to anything in a heal and Even more in my black Roxy flip flops.. I ran around New York in a pair of Pink and Blue Plaid Galoshes.. So I ran across this blog of a friends back in Montrose and she had this on it..



I just had to smile.. Because its soooooo true.. I think I might go change my life today.. Buy myself a new pair of Ballerina Flats and call it a day.. Its still REALLY REALLY early in the morning, So I might Go take a nap before..
Love to all that Loves me back..
Kat. ;D

RIP Jason Ryan Erickson

Jason Erickson
Sept-Feb..

Its that time a year people!!
Im officially a Widow.. As If Not seeing him 4 days a week wasnt bad enough, Now all day Sunday is no longer set aside for family.. Its set aside for... Wait for it...
You guessed it





Football....

Time Travel..

If there is one time period I would time travel to it would have to be the 16th Century.. The one person I would pall around with would be william shakespeare.. Absolutely the most Amazing, Romantic, Enlightened man I think has ever existed in time.
His words have transcended time, they have crossed boundaries of race, Love and Religion.. Who doesnt know "Romeo, Romeo. Wherefore art thou Romeo?" Or "To be, or not to be that is the question" How many times have we heard "parting is such sweet sorrow" or "Double, double toil and trouble Fire burn, and cauldron bubble."
He seems so amazing.. I kinda wish that I could speak to him.. Maybe one day Ill go to the wall of Juliet in Verona.. Write her a letter. Im not sure what I would write, what I would say..
Its amazing to me that Romeo and Juliet are just a story.. a play, burned into the hearts of everyone who has heard the words spoken by Leo Dicaprio. "A thousand times the worse, to want thy light. Love goes toward love as schoolboys from their books,
But love from love, toward school with heavy looks."
To think that the love story isnt true.. that the Love story is just that.. a Story.
Well anyway.. I wish I could have a fairy god mother.. bippidy Boppidy Booping me into the past.. For just one day, in the presence of William Shakespeare..

this is absolutely my favorite quote of all time Its from Hamlet, Act 2 Scene 2..

"Doubt thou the stars are fire,
Doubt that the sun doth move,
Doubt truth to be a liar,
But never doubt I love."

Amazing..

More Word Vomit..

Ive been feeling a little bit guilty lately... Well, about everything. I have a feeling something big is happening in my life, but I cant quit put my finger on it. You know that feeling of impending doom?! Maybe not Doom, But impending somethiing?? I sure do, its been a constant feeling of impendingness. (Im suprised spell check let that word through lol)
I have had my sisters boys for a while now, My little brother took Riot J home late last week, but Austin K is still here. He has been spending some time with his Auntie Bina! I feel guilty because I know how bad she misses them, But her life has been throwing her some curve balls and I know its a relief and a heartache, having them up here. Austin will be three months old on thursday. He is so adorable.. It makes me want to get pregnant and have a baby like right now..
Another guilt I have, I miss my girlfriends in Colorado so bad.. but i havent called them or emailed them since June. Just because it breaks my heart hearing about all the fun things they are doing.. and im here, with NO friends.. the family thats here (not my immediate family) but the other family kinda have their own lives, and Im not comfortable infiltraiting into their lives..
another one.. I am drinking, NOt alot but enough to make me feel bad.. I really like it.. but it goes without saying, Liking it doesnt make it right.. I come home at 2 or 3 in the morning and sleep it off until my kids get up.. Ive had this feeling that Im letting them down..
There is so much more to this, but if i keep going you will be reading for hours.. I just Wish the choice to move back to Colorado was still an option.. I miss it, I miss the girls.. I miss all of their kids.. I miss all of their laughs and all of the excitment their lives bring mine.. I guess I just miss having friends..
-Kat

9/11 Always remember..

Yesterday was Sept 11.. 9/11 Who would have known that a couple of numbers would change the course of America.. change the ideas and Lives of AMERICANS. Do you remember where you were? I was in K.T. Frosts Biology class @ Jordan High school My Junior Year. It was first period, and We saw it on Channel 1.. I remember the Principal coming over the intercom telling the teachers to go about our day as if it were any other day. I remember thinking "what is going on" not knowing until later that day that it was terrorists. I remember the fear, the anger, the sadness, and all of the other feelings that I felt all at the same time.. I remember seeing the images on TV of the man with the brief case, covered in ash. The Fire fighter sitting on the park bench praying his wife got out of the WTC before it fell, knowing she was on the 81rst floor when it was hit.

There have been a few events over the course of America that will be permanently engraved in the hearts and minds of Americans forever.. This definitely will be the one I remember the most.



Jason and I went to New York in March of this year and we went down to ground zero, the freedom tower was just starting to rise into the sky and there were gates and fences cover Ground Zero because of the rain. WE say pictures of the Sky line Before and After.. It was so sad. We also went across the street and went to the Ground Zero Memorial Building and this Statue of Liberty was there. It is covered with pictures and names of the Men and Women who Lost their lives in the towers. Fire Fighters, Police men, Office workers and so on. It was humbling. We are going to make that trip every year. and we will ALWAYS go pay our respects to the hallowed grounds from that day..

UNITED WE STAND...DIVIDED WE FALL..
Im Proud to be an American!!

OUCH!!

Had to get an emergency tooth Extraction on saturday.. And now Im in soo much pain I cannot sleep, or eat! and I kind of resemble a lopsided Chipmunk!! grrr!

Big Mouth

I seriously need a duct tape filter.. I offend way to many people with what comes out of my head (or fingers on facebook in some cases)

smiley!

If that doesnt make you smile.. You have a black heart! ;)

about the last time..

Im better now.. i was having a minor freak out moment over not knowing whats going on with my two AMAZING nephews.. Im feeling overwhelmed and under appreciated.. I guess thats life in the big city we call Mommy-ville. Not sure when or if my nephews are going home but I guess I can say they are in good hands.. Very tired.. Very good hands.. So, Yes Im fine.. and Im absolutely grateful for what I have and the opportunity I have gotten to snuggle and bond with my sweet nephews..
Love you little guys..

What was I thinking??

Pardon me, While I have a pity Party..

Dr. Seus' Horton the Elephant..

People need to remember one of the greatest things ever spoken by a Giant Cartoon elephant who was trying to save the Speck on the Clover..


" A Persons a Person, No Matter How Small"
to add onto that
No matter Their Race
No matter Their Sexuallity
No Matter Their Ideals
No Matter Their Religion
No Matter Anything they believe do or say..
They are a person.. Treat them as such..

song Lyric Saturday!!

This is such an old song, but I LOVE it! IT reminds me that no matter what Jason knows who I am, and he loves me anyway. And hes willing to wait out the storm with me.. I have up and down days, I Smile and I frown, I laugh and I cry sometimes all in the same few minutes... But, it doesnt matter. He loves me anyway..


Maroon 5
She will be Loved
"It's not always rainbows and butterflies
It's compromise that moves us along, yeah
My heart is full and my door's always open
You come anytime you want

I don't mind spending every day
Out on your corner in the pouring rain
Look for the girl with the broken smile
Ask her if she wants to stay awhile

And she will be loved
And she will be loved
And she will be loved
And she will be loved

I know where you hide alone in your car
Know all of the things that make you who you are
I know that goodbye means nothing at all
Comes back and begs me to catch her every time she falls, yeah

Tap on my window knock on my door
I want to make you feel beautiful"

My dearest Xander..

Dear Xander,
Thank you so much for being you.. Your fingernails gross me out. Your Laugh is so contagious, EVERYONE in the world has commented on how beautiful your eyes are, and all the women are jealous of those super long Eye Lashes.. Your Big Sensitive heart is one of my favorite things about you. You are always there to give me a hug when I'm sad and you Listen {Mostly} very well.
Your a Very Very good big brother and your always willing to help me when I need it. I Love you so much buddy, I hope you grow up to be a strong, sensitive Man. who will one day Make a girl, VERY VERY lucky.. I cant wait to see the next few years come and go as you get taller, and more like a man and less like a boy. I'm so very Proud of you, and I love you very much.. You are MY Xander, and you absolutely always will be the Love of my life.

2+2= waaaaay to many!!!!

Well, as everyone knows Im a Mother {Slave on some days} to two VERY VERY adorable little creatures.. Xander who is 6 3/4 and Eliza who is 4 1/2 years old.. Well.. Welcome to Motherhood of 4 Kat.. Because you {KNOW} you wanted it..
all I can say is AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!! Now, I have a 6 year old who is going on whiney teenager.. 2, 4 year olds that think they are the bosses and a 9 wk old.. Who has collicky.. My life is Crazy right now.. but At Least Im handling it with no tears and some giggliness..
Xander 6 Eliza 4


Riot J (4)


Austin K (9 wks)

I have then until tuesday... Wish me luck!!

Aaron Freeman 1985-2010

Knowing Someone Your Whole Life Practically, and sharing so much.
School Teachers, Homework, laughs, hates, conversations, pain and everything else you go through as you grow up. Aaron Freeman was one of the absolute funniest kids I know.
A Tragic End to such a short 25 year old life.
Im going to be totally honest. Other than the last year or so, I haven't spoken to him, Ive had passing thoughts like " I wonder what happened to Aaron over the years" Not knowing he had cancer, not knowing the things that he went through through those years of non-contact. Then all of the sudden, Pop! There he is at 3 am in in a facebook chat going, talking for hours catching up on lost time. WE we rent really "The best of friends" growing up, but we REALLY REALLY knew each other. I mean how can you go through almost 12 years of school NOT knowing someone. We spent almost all 7 yrs of elementary school in the same class.

None of that matters. My heart is still broken. For a life that was taken WAY to early, I had a 3 am conversation with him on Saturday morning, the morning of the day he died. Just a passing of Hey How are you why aren't you sleeping you freak kind of a conversation, It lasted not 5 minutes. But it will be the conversation I hold in my heart for the rest of my life.
Aaron,
Your Quirk and Crudeness, and Hilarity and uniqueness will be forever in my heart, and the hearts of everyone who had the privileged to know you. Your Strength and endurance of all things was admirable and something people look up to.
I will never be able to look at anything Beavis and Butthead without thinking of you. You will be missed my friend, but we WILL meet again.
With sadness I say goodbye,
Kat. :)

Elizas new Motto

"DOOOO IT"
She wont stop eggin people on..
she is a leader, but pretty sure shes going to be the one getting ppl introuble just because she can..
Everytime I tell her or xander not to do something naughty i hear Lize quietly go "Xander DOOOO IT" its sure ISNT cute!! Little butthead.. Oh well, @ least she wont be a follower... hrmm, bad thing or good thing?? Not so sure anymore.

Song Lyric Saturday!!

"Can we pretend that airplanes
In the night sky
Are like shooting stars
I could really use a wish right now (wish right now, wish right now)
Can we pretend that airplanes
In the night sky
Are like shooting stars
I could really use a wish right now (wish right now, wish right now)

Yeah
I could use a dream or a genie or a wish
To go back to a place much simpler than this
Cause after all the partyin’ and smashin’ and crashin’
And all the glitz and the glam and the fashion
And all the pandemonium and all the madness
There comes a time where you fade to the blackness
And when you’re staring at that phone in your lap
And you hoping but them people never call you back
But that’s just how the story unfolds
You get another hand soon after you fold
And when your plans unravel
And they sayin’ what would you wish for
If you had one chance
So airplane airplane sorry I’m late
I’m on my way so don’t close that gate
If I don’t make that then I’ll switch my flight
And I’ll be right back at it by the end of the night"

Airplanes
B.O.B. Ft. Haley Williams

I dont know how many millions of times when I was a kid would look into the night sky and wish on an Airplane thinking it was a star. Everytime I hear this song it takes me back and reminds me of all the things i use to wish for. I love Thinking about all the wishes I made. From the silliest thing like Please help me, not have any bad dreams tonight. I was a pretty scared little kid. EVERYTHING scared me. Or Id wish much bigger wishes PLease Help my sister, come back to us and stop using drugs. Please keep the fighting away for just one night. To PLEASE PLEASE Let me marry Nick Carter.. haha. I was such a silly little person! So there ya have it. Song Lyric Saturday Volumn 2

GRAFFIC CONTENT!!!

This is going to be me in a couple weeks.. Sept 10th.. D-day.. D for Devastation... I'm not going to lie, I'm really really scared. I'm afraid of starving.. I'm afraid of having a throbbing, sore-throat for weeks.. I don't want to miss Eliza and Xander's soccer games.. but most of all I'm afraid i'm going to lose my singing voice.. Singing is the absolute for me.. The very thing i could die doing, Perfectly happy, singing my heart out.. It scares me to think that there's a chance, however minuet that that can be gone forever.
I dont want to toot my own horn, but if u havent heard me sing, you would understand my fear. there are alot of things im NOT good at, but singing definitely is one of the things I am good at.. down right Amazing.. Sorry if im sounding conceded about my gift, but if u understood what i could be risking you would understand. I heard its a very small possibility but its still a possibility. Im very worried. I would rather lose my sense of taste than my ability to sing!! ugh!

Imagine All the People

I realize that Glee is becoming So Cliche!
but with all of the Hate, Disaster Genocide, and Racial Problems I felt like this was so appropriate. John Lennon was a man of vision. He could invision this beautiful planet as a place of peace, Love and Unity. All he wanted us to do was Imagine it, because Imagination is the beggining of something Great.. The Begening of a generation that can make those things that he sings about happen. He was inspirational, and I hope I can raise my kids to have some of the ideals he had.
Watch and Listen,
And The World Will Live as One.
What a concept..

Imagine there's no Heaven
It's easy if you try
No hell below us
Above us only sky
Imagine all the people
Living for today

Imagine there's no countries
It isn't hard to do
Nothing to kill or die for
And no religion too
Imagine all the people
Living life in peace

You may say that I'm a dreamer
But I'm not the only one
I hope someday you'll join us
And the world will be as one

Imagine no possessions
I wonder if you can
No need for greed or hunger
A brotherhood of man
Imagine all the people
Sharing all the world

You may say that I'm a dreamer
But I'm not the only one
I hope someday you'll join us
And the world will live as one

First day of pre-K

First day of school was a total success.. Eliza even announced on the way home that she has a boyfriend named "Cache" (cash) and he told her he thinks shes CUUUTE! haha. So funny. SO proud of my little girl, big huge steps in the growing up direction. Its kind of Bittersweet. Such a proud mom I am!

song Lyric Saturday!!

Since Saturday is the day I spend most of my time in the car with Jason, and the kids listening to music. Driving around looking at houses, Letting the kids nap or doing other super randomn things, I thought i would be appropriate to share a Song Lyric that I heard on the radio, Ipod, Cd, Phone whatever.. So here is it.. Song lyric of the day.. Its by Christina Perri, Jar of hearts. Its my ring tone and for some reason my phone has been ringing off the hook today!!
"who do you think you are?
runnin’ ’round leaving scars
collecting a jar of hearts
tearing love apart
you’re gonna catch a cold
from the ice inside your soul
don’t come back for me
who do you think you are?"
-Christina Perri, Jar of Hearts.
I am absolutely in love with this song right now. If I was a teenager I would totally be playing this song OVER and OVER again probably with Mascara Streaming down my face, Broken hear-ted or Desperately in love. I especially like the lyric "you're gonna catch a cold from the ice inside your soul" I totally know people that I have thought that about. So angry and bitter about everything, that your surprised they haven't cut the word "HATE" into their bottom lip. ha.
So there ya have it.. My newest endeavor. Song Lyric Saturday!! See you nxt week for the next installment. Who knows maybe it will be a little bit brighter. Im not really in the Rainbow and butterfly kinda Mood today.
Love you all

word vomit

Just felt like writing tonight, I dont ever get any really good writing sessions in anymore. I miss it, I miss the release as my pen scribbles on paper. With every word, sentence and paragraph I can feel myself getting further and further released from the grasps of life. From the Tesion on my shoulders. Its like the power of word (even though im not neccesarily good at it) releases me from evil. Like a Slave of my own life, and sentences are the key to the shackles that keep me captive.
I dont ever know what to write about until i sit down and start typing. The words flow like water out of an overfilled watering can. Growing inspiration with every period and coma. I am horrible at grammer. Im sure people read this and think "man she needs to take an english course" Which is probably true.
I have a migraine, they dont really get as bad as it is right now, and sitting in this dark room, starring at this brightly lit screen, looking at little tiny words and they rush themselves across the page with every click of the key board. Im a fast typer So i can get a lot done in a little time, so hopefully this will go by fast and Ill get to the sanctuary that leaving my thoughts on paper takes me to. Its like electricity that runs through my veins. like that spark you feel when you meet someone you know you are really going to like, maybe even love. words are the spoken truths of your heart. either in the form of a Harsh Reality or a Secret Love, spoken only to the one who is willing to listen. with every click of the key board is a beat of my heart. Coursing the very life force through me that gives me the passion to write these words. That probably dont make any sense to you, but gives me that relief i am so desperate for. Like a Long drink of water from a well, that you have been searching your whole life for.
Life is so interesting to me. My life, your life, his life her life. The life I was suppose to lead and the Life i chose to lead. The life that Christ Sacrificed himself for so that I can change my path when i get lost in darkness.
HIS words are like the oil in my lamp that guides my way back home. The umbrella when im caught in the hurricane. I realize I don't necessarily lead a life which is redeemable, but I lead the Life I was meant to. The one that my heart sent me to lead. I love my life. Im lucky to have the people in it that I have. My children who call me mom, My husband who calls me Love, MY mom and dad and sisters and brother who call me Sissy. The terms of endearment that are just that DEAR to my heart. and to the heart of my soul. Which to me are two completely different entities. My heart guides my Feelings and My soul takes those feelings and makes sure they are TRUE to who I am, And then leads to where Im suppose to be.
Im sure people think im crazy, im a little bit loud and over bearing, im a little bit careless in the words I let slip between my lips, because they are just that. Words, Words that come from my soul. That arent meant to harm, but meant to embrace. The Fat the ugly, the skinny the beautiful. The words that embrace YOUR soul, and allow our souls to connect on a level unknown to even the deepest corners of our hearts. Yes the heart is the symbol of love, but its the soul that loves. when you soul connects with someone elses it takes that symbol of Love and allows it to pump your life force into their life. It integrates with their eletrical systems and allows that Love to become electrified.
I keep seeing people that were so prevalent in my life at one point or another. people who have reminded me of the me that I loved so much. The carefree me that takes what comes and doesn't give a crap about everything that goes on around me. I saw an ex-boyfriends aunt at Chili's the other night, Shawna. Her Nephew beat me up in the basement of their house and she didn't do anything but tell him he should of hit me where no one would be able to tell. The one whose kids Loved me so much because I got down on the floor and played Lego's, and race cars with them. Its always so awkward when life reminds you of who you were, Your BEST SELF and your worst self. and everyone in between. It reminds you that you were lucky, I feel lucky to have experienced everything I did. The (more) than one abusive boyfriend, the crazy Katrina that would re-ended a police officer, but got off with less than a warning. The Katrina that would go over to a boys house and convince him to watch scary movies just to be able to hide my face in the collar of their shirts. I hope my daughter enjoys her life as much as I have enjoyed mine, Hopefully with less heart ache and more laughter. Less Tears of pain and more tears that come from laughing so hard you cry. More happiness and Less Pain. I hope that she knows that she can absolutely talk to me about anything. without judgment, without prejudiced, With Love and understanding of the difficulties of being a teenager. The Break ups, the Make ups, the fights with her best friends. The horrible pain of losing someone from Suicide or Drug overdose. The hate that you feel towards your elders. And the disrespect you get from everyone around you. I want her to feel less of that and more of the Late nights with the girls. Group dates, Single dates, First kisses, the feeling you get when someone grabs your hand and tells you how much you mean to them. I want all of those for her. The pain will make her find her true self and everything else will remind her of that girl she found in her darkest hours. I just hope that when she goes through those dark hours that I can be her candle, That I can be that light that shows her the beauty behind all the running mascara and smeared lipstick.
I hope I can not only be her mother, Set Boundaries but i also want her to see me as a friends, someone who wont judge her and someone who can give advice when asked. My ambien is kicking in and my headache is easing. Im going to bed, and try to sleep it all back to normal. I want to embrace life. Not run from it. and I want all of you to do the same. Goodnight Blog Land.. See you tomorrow!

Friday Randomness..

SO last night, I decided to ditch my kids (after they were in bed of course) and I had a really great night. Recently Ive reconnected with someone that I knew a long time ago. After grabbing food we sat and talked for hrs about everything.. Somethings were said that made me really start thinking about things.. I came home and thought all night. I take Ambien usually to help me sleep but instead I really wanted to stay awake and think. Re-evaluate decisions I made, beliefs that I feel so strongly about and why.
Its always so hard to sit down and really think About decisions that you know you cant take back even if you wanted to. Like my decision to drop out of high school and get married. I'm so blessed to be in the situation I am in. I have an AMAZING husband, Beautiful kids and a life to be so proud of. Yet, I still cant stop thinking about what COULD have been if I chose to go to school, get an education and waited to kids.
I cant help but think about those WOulda Coulda Shouldas.. Dont get me wrong, I love my kids. But I always wonder what Could or Would have been if I didn't get pregnant at 17. ill be 36 when Xander Graduates from high school. Some women don't even start their families until then. they have Careers and experiences That I am never going to have. And It makes me really stop and think. No experience in the world would make me want to trade those precious moments I have with my kids. Like, when Eliza Climbs in bed with me and presses her little body into my arms for protection from the Monsters in her dreams. Or when Xander says hey mom and I look at him I get a big Wink and a raised eye brow.. The moments I have had that no other person in this world is going to be privileged to have. The amazing Creatures that I brought into this world. With my Flesh, and My Blood, and the LOVE that created them. Im so lucky.
So why am I sitting around thinking about what could have been instead of reveling in the moments that Have been. I need to remind myself that I am a Lucky Girl. That When people look into my windows at night and see me snuggling on the couch with Jason, Getting Good night kisses from my kids, Sitting in the living room in a silent house reading a book, indulging in late night Ice cream binges, they wish that the choices made in their lives where the type of choices that would have lead them to a life like mine.
I need to realize that the grass is not always greener on the other side. That maybe My grass looks greener from someone else's perspective. I need to be more Grateful for what I have, and stop thinking about Could have been.
"When the evening shadows and the stars appear, And there is no one there to dry your tears, I could hold you for a million years To make you feel my love."
-Make you feel my love-
Adele

This is how it works

Regina Spektor Says;


"This is how it works
You're young until you're not
You love until you don't
You try until you can't

You laugh until you cry
You cry until you laugh
And everyone must breathe
Until their dying breath

No, this is how it works
You peer inside yourself
You take the things you like
And try to love the things you took

And then you take that love you made
And stick it into some
Someone else's heart
Pumping someone else's blood

And walking arm in arm
You hope it don't get harmed
But even if it does
You'll just do it all again"

Heros

3 {teenagers} lifted up a 3000# car after it backed over a {Toddler} Pulling the {Toddler} out from underneath it {Saving} his life..
I dont know about you, But Thats what I call a {Miracle}.
God forbid anything like that happening to my Kids but if it does. I hope Theres a Hero standing by to Save my {babies}
With {Grace} anything is possible

Adventures in {baby sitting}

Well TEchnically its not babysitting when its taking care of your own kids. But That movie was super fun, and I LOVE the title!
A few things Mention Worthy that have gone on this summer!
Well, Me and my Dad took the kiddos to Classic Water slide park.. Which really is a 15x15 pool at the end of 4 Big Kid Water slides and then a splash pad for the little kids.
Eliza and I spent the afternoon going down the Big Kid water slides and Xander played in the little person splash pad with inflatable Kid water slides! Everytime We went down the Big Water Slide Eliza would race us up the hill to do it again! I probably walked 4 miles STRAIGHT up hill that day!
well while I was killing myself walking up that hill 67 million times Xander played in the Shallow pool and went down the inflatable slides!

Well after sliding and playing in the pool the whole afternoon we decided to get snow cones!!! Just in time! They were having a dance contest, and little did you know, my kid could move did you? Because he WON!!!

We also had the bathroom re-done
Before

After

I went to Wyoming to find us a place to live and all I found was a Wild horse..
As majestic and beautiful as that is.. Not really a place I want to raise my kids.. But we are still optimistic!!


We went Bowling.. And Eliza literally kicked our butts!!
WONDER WHY?? HMMMM She figured out to line up he rack and get strike after strike!

as for xander and the rest of us, we did the old fashioned way.. and was schooled!! lol, but we still had ALOT of fun!!

Eliza got her Preschool hair cut!!!


End result!!

Got them both enrolled in school!! AHHHHHHHHHHH I cannot believe I have a first grader and a pre-schooler!! EEEEEK!
Well thats all for now!! We did way more stuff including but not limited to.
Shooting
Lagoon
I got my hair done
Jason started a new job
Took up couponing
(bought 20 boxes of cereal forunder 15 dollars!!)
Saw a hot air balloon glow
Hoola Hooped with hippies down town
Painted the front door red
Bought a 3 foot deep swimming pool
Dyed Elizas hair pink
Planted a pumpkin, water melon and sunflower garden AND ACTUALLY WATERED IT!!
and bought a Tarantula!!
Had surgery
Went through (and still going through) Menopause
So far its been an AMAZING summer and its coming to a close!! Hope all of our summers are full of family and LOVE!! School stared in a Week for eliza and 2 for Xander! Hopefully before we know it Next summer will be here and we can start the fun all over again!! Love you all!!
KAT!