Losing my mind....

"I've cried until there were no more tears.. I sobbed until my lungs ached in fury... I yelled and screamed until my voice went hoarse. I wished on a star and I sent up a prayer into heaven.. please lord help me get under control before I lose everything"
     That was my facebook post from late last night.. I didnt even realize I wrote it until this morning.. My life has been well lets just say.."Less than perfect"  My parents, my children, my loneliness, my craziness have started to really wear on me... until last night I totally lost my mind..
     everything that is written above is the most accurate account of my feelings and actions last night.. I literally LOST myself in a tornado sized freak out.. I yelled at my mom, I screamed into my pillow and I cried and cried on the phone to Jason. Just praying for some sort of relief.. and you know, after all of that.. Relief came in the form of  a deep  Disturb free sleep.. My husband said all the right things. He knows exactly what I need when I get like this. Im so lucky..
     I am over my heartache now, A better person.  With every Freak out comes a new insight. Insight into the life I have, the perfect imperfection.. I dont want my life to be perfect... I need to cry so hard that my head throbs for hours.. I need to yell so loud that I lose my voice and I need to sob so hard that the very breath that allows me life escapes me for a few seconds.. I need to feel that, so when I get to the point where my imperfect perfect life gives me some perspective, tells me, Its okay to be imperfect.. As long as you love with reckless abandon and feel with every ounce of yourself.. 

And Last night was conformation.. 

My words exactly..

NOT!!!!

 So, WE have been living in my parents basement for almost a year now. And every day it is getting more and more frustrating.. Im constantly bieng told that my parenting skills are less than satisfactory. Especially when it comes to one kid in particular. Xander, I am never right. I am always doing something wrong. Including but not limited too, School, Discipline. I was told "I think your wrong" and then hung up on. Its starting to wear on me, I feel my skin getting thinner as the days get closer and closer to a year mark. I dont know if we will ever be able to move out..
  I cannot wait for the day, when IM the boss of my own kids.. In my own household.. Hopefully soon. WE have almost paid off some debt and then we are on our own! *crosses fingers*
   I hate to say it, but moving back to Utah was our biggest mistake.. We had such a good life there. Money was often tight, but Jason was home EVERYDAY. I had friends that absolutly loved me. I was so priveladged to get to know them.. I miss them..
   I have made one really good friend next door and Its made everyday life a lot easier. But still.. Im ready to get back to My OWN life.. and MY OWN Rules!!

Feel Like Ive been doing a little of This LAtely..

"I've made up my mind, don't need to think it over
If I'm wrong I am right, don't need to look no further
This ain't lust, I know this is love

But if I tell the world, I'll never say enough
'Cause it was not said to you
And that's exactly what I need to do if I'd end up with you

Should I give up or should I just keep chasing pavements
Even if it leads nowhere?
Or would it be a waste even if I knew my place
Should I leave it there?
Should I give up or should I just keep chasing pavements
Even if it leads nowhere?

I build myself up and fly around in circles
Wait then as my heart drops and my back begins to tingle
Finally could this be it?

Should I give up or should I just keep chasing pavements
Even if it leads nowhere?
Or would it be a waste even if I knew my place
Should I leave it there?
Should I give up or should I just keep chasing pavements
Even if it leads nowhere?

Should I give up or should I just keep chasing pavements
Even if it leads nowhere?
Or would it be a waste even if I knew my place
Should I leave it there?
Should I give up or should I just keep on chasing pavements
Should I just keep on chasing pavements?

Should I give up or should I just keep chasing pavements
Even if it leads nowhere?
Or would it be a waste even if I knew my place
Should I leave it there?
Should I give up or should I just keep chasing pavements
Even if it leads nowhere"
           Thanks Adele..

Mistakes

Making Mistakes is the one thing im a Master at..
Knowing I have crossed the line of wrong doing, Usually fully aware but with the atitude that It doesnt matter..
Usually When I make a mistake, I make up for it, by apologizing fixing it or whatever..

But what do you do when your not the one making a mistake... What do you do when you are witnessing it and sitting back and not doing anything. Does that make you just as guilty?
What if its a mistake that will change the course of someones life? If you see a friend making a choice that will effect a marriage, or a child.. Knowing that its wrong..

What do you do? Im so lost and confused by what I know that i feel like I should say something.. Its shaking me to my core.. Its rattling my emotion and its making me crazy..
DO I keep my mouth shut? Or do I speak my mind??

I hate you..

Water...
Running...
Weight...
food... (okay, I hate that I love food)
Cafe Rio...
Taco Bell...
Sconecutter...
Brownies...
The list could go on forever..
So Im going to start loving..
Broccoli...
Bean-o (just in case)...
Running shoes..
Treadmills..
5ks...
Water Bottles...
and most of all
Skinniness!! Whoot.
Heres to not eating Lemoncello Sorbet 6 times a week..
and not having anything after 7 pm..
Except maybe the occasional late night dinner with friends or V-C lovely ness.. (hey a girl can only cut out so much without going crazy!)
Maybe by this time next year i will be one skinny girl!!

Shoes Shoes Shoes

(This one's for you Logan..) :)
It's a very well known fact that I like shoes.. Of all Kinds, Tall Shoes, Short shoes, flip flips, Boots, Ballerina Flats, Wedges, Spikes, Pumps, Tennis Shoes, Running shoes.. I could list them all day.. ;) I can pretty much to anything in a heal and Even more in my black Roxy flip flops.. I ran around New York in a pair of Pink and Blue Plaid Galoshes.. So I ran across this blog of a friends back in Montrose and she had this on it..



I just had to smile.. Because its soooooo true.. I think I might go change my life today.. Buy myself a new pair of Ballerina Flats and call it a day.. Its still REALLY REALLY early in the morning, So I might Go take a nap before..
Love to all that Loves me back..
Kat. ;D

RIP Jason Ryan Erickson

Jason Erickson
Sept-Feb..

Its that time a year people!!
Im officially a Widow.. As If Not seeing him 4 days a week wasnt bad enough, Now all day Sunday is no longer set aside for family.. Its set aside for... Wait for it...
You guessed it





Football....