word vomit

Just felt like writing tonight, I dont ever get any really good writing sessions in anymore. I miss it, I miss the release as my pen scribbles on paper. With every word, sentence and paragraph I can feel myself getting further and further released from the grasps of life. From the Tesion on my shoulders. Its like the power of word (even though im not neccesarily good at it) releases me from evil. Like a Slave of my own life, and sentences are the key to the shackles that keep me captive.
I dont ever know what to write about until i sit down and start typing. The words flow like water out of an overfilled watering can. Growing inspiration with every period and coma. I am horrible at grammer. Im sure people read this and think "man she needs to take an english course" Which is probably true.
I have a migraine, they dont really get as bad as it is right now, and sitting in this dark room, starring at this brightly lit screen, looking at little tiny words and they rush themselves across the page with every click of the key board. Im a fast typer So i can get a lot done in a little time, so hopefully this will go by fast and Ill get to the sanctuary that leaving my thoughts on paper takes me to. Its like electricity that runs through my veins. like that spark you feel when you meet someone you know you are really going to like, maybe even love. words are the spoken truths of your heart. either in the form of a Harsh Reality or a Secret Love, spoken only to the one who is willing to listen. with every click of the key board is a beat of my heart. Coursing the very life force through me that gives me the passion to write these words. That probably dont make any sense to you, but gives me that relief i am so desperate for. Like a Long drink of water from a well, that you have been searching your whole life for.
Life is so interesting to me. My life, your life, his life her life. The life I was suppose to lead and the Life i chose to lead. The life that Christ Sacrificed himself for so that I can change my path when i get lost in darkness.
HIS words are like the oil in my lamp that guides my way back home. The umbrella when im caught in the hurricane. I realize I don't necessarily lead a life which is redeemable, but I lead the Life I was meant to. The one that my heart sent me to lead. I love my life. Im lucky to have the people in it that I have. My children who call me mom, My husband who calls me Love, MY mom and dad and sisters and brother who call me Sissy. The terms of endearment that are just that DEAR to my heart. and to the heart of my soul. Which to me are two completely different entities. My heart guides my Feelings and My soul takes those feelings and makes sure they are TRUE to who I am, And then leads to where Im suppose to be.
Im sure people think im crazy, im a little bit loud and over bearing, im a little bit careless in the words I let slip between my lips, because they are just that. Words, Words that come from my soul. That arent meant to harm, but meant to embrace. The Fat the ugly, the skinny the beautiful. The words that embrace YOUR soul, and allow our souls to connect on a level unknown to even the deepest corners of our hearts. Yes the heart is the symbol of love, but its the soul that loves. when you soul connects with someone elses it takes that symbol of Love and allows it to pump your life force into their life. It integrates with their eletrical systems and allows that Love to become electrified.
I keep seeing people that were so prevalent in my life at one point or another. people who have reminded me of the me that I loved so much. The carefree me that takes what comes and doesn't give a crap about everything that goes on around me. I saw an ex-boyfriends aunt at Chili's the other night, Shawna. Her Nephew beat me up in the basement of their house and she didn't do anything but tell him he should of hit me where no one would be able to tell. The one whose kids Loved me so much because I got down on the floor and played Lego's, and race cars with them. Its always so awkward when life reminds you of who you were, Your BEST SELF and your worst self. and everyone in between. It reminds you that you were lucky, I feel lucky to have experienced everything I did. The (more) than one abusive boyfriend, the crazy Katrina that would re-ended a police officer, but got off with less than a warning. The Katrina that would go over to a boys house and convince him to watch scary movies just to be able to hide my face in the collar of their shirts. I hope my daughter enjoys her life as much as I have enjoyed mine, Hopefully with less heart ache and more laughter. Less Tears of pain and more tears that come from laughing so hard you cry. More happiness and Less Pain. I hope that she knows that she can absolutely talk to me about anything. without judgment, without prejudiced, With Love and understanding of the difficulties of being a teenager. The Break ups, the Make ups, the fights with her best friends. The horrible pain of losing someone from Suicide or Drug overdose. The hate that you feel towards your elders. And the disrespect you get from everyone around you. I want her to feel less of that and more of the Late nights with the girls. Group dates, Single dates, First kisses, the feeling you get when someone grabs your hand and tells you how much you mean to them. I want all of those for her. The pain will make her find her true self and everything else will remind her of that girl she found in her darkest hours. I just hope that when she goes through those dark hours that I can be her candle, That I can be that light that shows her the beauty behind all the running mascara and smeared lipstick.
I hope I can not only be her mother, Set Boundaries but i also want her to see me as a friends, someone who wont judge her and someone who can give advice when asked. My ambien is kicking in and my headache is easing. Im going to bed, and try to sleep it all back to normal. I want to embrace life. Not run from it. and I want all of you to do the same. Goodnight Blog Land.. See you tomorrow!