Friday Randomness..

SO last night, I decided to ditch my kids (after they were in bed of course) and I had a really great night. Recently Ive reconnected with someone that I knew a long time ago. After grabbing food we sat and talked for hrs about everything.. Somethings were said that made me really start thinking about things.. I came home and thought all night. I take Ambien usually to help me sleep but instead I really wanted to stay awake and think. Re-evaluate decisions I made, beliefs that I feel so strongly about and why.
Its always so hard to sit down and really think About decisions that you know you cant take back even if you wanted to. Like my decision to drop out of high school and get married. I'm so blessed to be in the situation I am in. I have an AMAZING husband, Beautiful kids and a life to be so proud of. Yet, I still cant stop thinking about what COULD have been if I chose to go to school, get an education and waited to kids.
I cant help but think about those WOulda Coulda Shouldas.. Dont get me wrong, I love my kids. But I always wonder what Could or Would have been if I didn't get pregnant at 17. ill be 36 when Xander Graduates from high school. Some women don't even start their families until then. they have Careers and experiences That I am never going to have. And It makes me really stop and think. No experience in the world would make me want to trade those precious moments I have with my kids. Like, when Eliza Climbs in bed with me and presses her little body into my arms for protection from the Monsters in her dreams. Or when Xander says hey mom and I look at him I get a big Wink and a raised eye brow.. The moments I have had that no other person in this world is going to be privileged to have. The amazing Creatures that I brought into this world. With my Flesh, and My Blood, and the LOVE that created them. Im so lucky.
So why am I sitting around thinking about what could have been instead of reveling in the moments that Have been. I need to remind myself that I am a Lucky Girl. That When people look into my windows at night and see me snuggling on the couch with Jason, Getting Good night kisses from my kids, Sitting in the living room in a silent house reading a book, indulging in late night Ice cream binges, they wish that the choices made in their lives where the type of choices that would have lead them to a life like mine.
I need to realize that the grass is not always greener on the other side. That maybe My grass looks greener from someone else's perspective. I need to be more Grateful for what I have, and stop thinking about Could have been.
"When the evening shadows and the stars appear, And there is no one there to dry your tears, I could hold you for a million years To make you feel my love."
-Make you feel my love-
Adele