When I met Jason, I knew what It meant to be loved.. And he Loves {SO} deeply, and {So} Fully. When i Realized I loved him, I knew I had to hold onto that love.. Because, I truly believe that, that love comes once in a {Million} Years.
And Then, I gave birth.. Xander came first, I'm not going to lie, I was devastated when I found out I was going to have a boy.. I wanted so badly to have a daughter.. I had it in my head that he was a girl, that I was going to have a little princess and We were going to live happily ever after in our Fairy tail Life.. With {MY} prince Charming and {HER} daddy the king. ;)
When I got further along in my pregnancy It got more and More difficult, They couldn't figure out what was wrong with me, I had all the symptoms of Pre-eclampsia Except for the big one, High Blood Pressure. So after doing one of those 72 hr urine tests They discovered i was spilling Protein so they took Xander a week early, on the Tuesday before thanksgiving that year. I pushed for 45 Minutes, had a 4 degree tear and 11 stitches. They placed Xander on my chest for literally 2 seconds. His Lips were blue, and he was silent. They took him from me, he had an apgar of 2 and ran him to the nicu. that was at 5:10 pm, At 9:45 while they were in the middle of the Nurse Change, my new nurse came in and told me how beautiful my son was, and how all the Nurses in the Nicu were taking pictures of him. My heart {broke} And I started sobbing, She couldn't figure out why, and she asked me what was wrong. I told her I hadn't even held my son for more than a few minutes and It wasn't fair, they didn't even bother to tell me what was wrong with him. My epidural effected my funny and After 5hrs I still couldn't walk. Jason finally went and tracked down a wheelchair lifted me up and strolled me to the NICU. My son had an iv in his head, both arms and heart monitors strapped all over his chest.. Turned out he had aspirated fluid while I was pushing and got Pneumonia. My experience in the hospital, My brand new sick son, and My General Craziness drove me out of control. I couldn't look at him for over 3 months. He slept in my moms room, she fed him, and took care of him because I was literally going crazy.. I {Knew} I loved him, But i just couldn't grasp onto what that meant.. And then when he was about 3 and a half months old, I was holding him, and he looked up and me and smiled. I finally realized what That once in a {Million} years kind of love was. I instantly started sobbing, because for 1 thing, I realized what I was going through, and what I was taking away from him.. The second thing i realized was that, He loved me, With that once in a {Million} years kind of love. He didn't care what was going on with me, all he knew is that I was HIS Mom, His protector. As I sat that, I had finally given myself permission, to love someone like Jason Loved me.
He was just about a year old when that picture was taken.. Its one of my favorites.. On day, I hope to be able to share the experience of being a grandmother to My children s children, To make up for the time lost with Xander and Eliza, While i suffered through ppd. I love them so {much} and I hope that they feel that love, The once in a {Million} years kinda love. The kind that they are going to cling onto {Forever}
a Little bit of loveliness.
;D Kat
Way to make me cry this morning! I'm fortunate enough never to have had anything more than the baby blues. Thanks for sharing, it will help someone out there know that they are not alone.
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